Now that I'm done.

You, hey you. You know who I'm talking to. It's you, the guy who has decided that he prefers 200lb. girls of dubious morals to the woman who supported him for the better part of twelve years. But hey! She's 24! You've got that going for you. You always wanted children. Now you got one. There are so many things I will never have to put up with again now that you're outta here. Let's list them.

1. Never again will I have to watch the travesty of the way you overcook a decent steak.

2..Never again will I have to listen to you whine about how the music scene in Atlanta is so lame and you can't catch a break. Atlanta has one of the most vibrant music scenes in the country. Maybe your band just sucks.

3. Never again will I have to wash my hair, take a bath, fix my make up, etc. by candlelight because you "forgot" to pay the electric bill.

4. Never again will I have to worry when the landlord comes to fix anything in the kitchen because he might find your collection of water pipes.

5. Never again will I be late to work because you "just had" to stop by the head shop.

6. Never again will I have to listen to you insult my friends while comparing them to yours. Your friends play in bands. Mine have jobs.

7. Never again will I have to be concerned about what might be in your backpack when you get pulled over by the police and are still on probation.

8. Never again will I have to worry about the police. Period.

9. Never again will I be required to sit through another badly mixed set of an unfortunate band in the unfortunate bar you work in

10. Never again will I have to listen to your sidekick give running commentary on our relationship, my mental health, etc. It's none of his damn business, I don't care what happened at his little show.

12. Never again will I have to sit in our living room on Christmas day while your sleazy father reads Playboys in front of your mother and grandmother, all the while comparing the breasts of the centerfold to those of your mother's.

13. Never again will I cry myself to sleep at night because you didn't have the decency to show up at any opening night events that were important to me. Not even The Color Purple.

14. Never again will I have to choose between you and your little friends and my blood family member.

15. Never again will I have to listen to my friends and family bitch at me for staying with such a loser.

Now that that's out of the way, there are soooo many things I can look forward to. Some of them I've even accomplished already. Let's list those!

1. I can have a nice, cute, clean house. Check.

2. My friends are not afraid to visit me. Check.

3. I can travel as much as I like to wherever I like, with whomever I like. It's gonna be a long flight to Turkey with your little buddy's ex. I'm sure we'll have LOTS to talk about.

4. I can watch whatever I like on television. Especially since I have HDTV. Check.

5. I can listen to any music I like. Even Broadway cast recordings. Check.

6. I can buy lots of shoes, since I no longer will have to squirrel away money for your potential bail. Check.

7. I can get as many tattoos as I like, since I can now afford them. See above.

8. I can pursue any creative endeavor I like.

9. I can eat a goddamn piece of pizza without having to listen to you expound upon the brilliance of Radney Foster's songwriting.

10. I don't have to worry that we might wind up living in Tennessee.

11. I can fuck anyone I like.

12. I no longer feel like killing myself.

So go on along. I hope it works out for you and the little girl your friend introduced you to. I hope she turns out to be crazier than me. And keep on shaving your little balls. That's attractive on a 40 year old man. They look like dried up raisins. I hope you cut yourself. Go crazy convincing yourself that I'm stalking you and her, doing all kinds of things that are pretty much impossible.

And yes, I read your email inbox. I read your myspace inbox. I also viewed her little "private" profile. Hell, I even listened to your voicemail for your cell phone. I'm sure you'll rant and rave about some damn "privacy" issue. Blow it out your ass.

I'm upset, of course. I'll cry some. I'll probably even not sleep a lot. But I'll move on. You, however, are going to find it hard to do that.

P.S. I LOVE cooking on your grill pan that you left with me!